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iParent: A Crash Course in Social Media, Part 3

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Click here for  part 1  and   part 2

When Brandon was 7 years old, he was running around our church with another staff kid when they decided they were hungry. They left the building they were in and went to the building where they were sure they'd find food. The doors were locked, though, so they decided to climb an 8' tall chain link fence to get in another way. Boys will be boys, so instead of climbing back down the fence on the other side, Brandon jumped. His shoelace got hung on the fence and he fell to the concrete, head first. By the time he was finished at the ER that night, he was really hungry! I felt terrible that my little guy had gotten hurt; I also learned that day that kids don't always use good judgment. Had I known my 7 year old would leap off an 8' fence onto a concrete sidewalk, I would have instructed him about the dangers in doing such a thing.

When Abby was 3, the kids went ahead of me into the garage because we were leaving the house. I realized that I needed to check and make sure the front door was locked, so I headed back in, and hit the garage door button as I did. When I came back just a few seconds later, Abby was holding onto the garage door and going up, up, up into the air. Turns out, it wasn't nearly as fun as she thought. She hung there crying as I came to her rescue. Had I known she thought the garage door was a carnival ride, I would've done things differently.

When your kids are little, it doesn't take long at all for them to get hurt if you're not paying attention. We get that. What a lot of us don't get, though, is this: when they get older, it doesn't take long at all for them to get hurt if you're not paying attention.

Know this - sexting is common among teenagers, and it's dangerous. If parents think that teenagers, even many of the good ones, aren't sending naked pictures and sexually explicit texts to their boyfriends and girlfriends, they need to think again. I wanted to find current stats on the issue for a class I was teaching, but couldn't. So I surveyed high school students at a church on a Wednesday night. They answered these two questions anonymously: Have you ever sent or received sexually explicit text messages? Have you ever sent or received sexually explicit photos?

36% said yes. For the most part, these were Christian kids. These are the ones who attend Bible study on Wednesday night even though most of their parents aren’t making them. That either means that Christian teenagers are sexting just as much as everyone else, or the number is even higher for unchurched teenagers. Either way, it's not good news.

What I find interesting is this information I found in another survey:  About two-thirds of parents with kids aged 12 or younger said they were worried about "sexting" or other sexual behavior as a result of social media. But the number dropped to fewer than half for parents of kids aged 13 to 19.

We parents are not paying attention as much when we need to be. Or maybe, we think that because we covered it when they were younger, we don’t need to revisit the topic again when they’re in high school. But if you haven't heard, the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed until the mid-20's. That's the part of the brain that is the command center for reasoning and decision-making, and provides the ability to recognize future consequences from current actions. We need to be concerned about these texting and social media issues long after the age of 13.

You might wonder why anyone would ever send a text that has such obvious damaging potential - same reason Brandon jumped off a chain link fence and Abby grabbed the garage door and let it carry her up. They don't think anything bad will happen. Teenagers who are dating, or interested in dating, text each other all day long every day, and it sets up a false sense of intimacy. In two weeks time, they've shared things that would normally take 2 years to learn about each other. Texting feels safe. They text things they'd never say face to face, and send pictures they would be horrified for anyone to see. 

That's why parents need to be proactive and start the conversation on sexting.

Here are some important points to make:
*Once you've hit send, you have no control over where a text goes or who sees it.
*Sexting is child pornography.
*If your boyfriend asks you for a nude photo, it's not because he loves you. It's because he lusts you. There's a difference. In a decade or two, we won't be hearing sweet stories about how romances began from sexting. We'll be hearing testimonies about how it ruined reputations and relationships.
 *Never send anything to anyone, words or pictures, that you wouldn't be comfortable for the whole world to see, because that's what can happen.

And some questions to ask:
*Do you know anyone who has sent an inappropriate text or photo?
*How would you feel if you had a picture like that was sent all over school?
*Do you know that on Snapchat, people take screenshots of photos?
*What would you do if your boyfriend/girlfriend asked you to send a nude photo?
*Do you know that photos that hit the Internet never go away?

Teenagers aren't little anymore, but they still need our guidance in order to make good decisions. The last thing any parent wants is to see a child fall and then wish he or she had done things differently.

Upside Down

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own opinion and clever in their own sight. Isa. 5:20-21

Except for that episode of the Brady Bunch when Beebe Gallini asked Mike Brady to design her factory in the shape of a fluffy powder puff (Season 1, Episode 16), it's the craziest building I've ever seen. And it's not on Nick at Nite; it's in Poland. In 2006, Daniel Czapiewski headed up a project to build an entire house upside-down as an artistic statement about the state of the world. The house took 114 days to build, instead of the estimated 3 weeks, because the construction workers were so disoriented by the weird angles of the walls that they kept getting dizzy and confused and needed extra coffee breaks. They powered through and got the thing built, though. Now, thousands of people have visited the place. Their experience has been no different than the workers who built it - many say they feel dizzy within minutes of being inside. Well done, Mr. Czapiewski - upside down is just not right.

It reminds me of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, when Alice said, "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would." The truth is, we do have a world we call our own, and everything is what it isn't. I mean, it isn't what it is, but we think it is anyway. Confused? Reread Isaiah 5:20,21 for some clarity. He warns Alice and the rest of us about embracing such nonsense. He's saying, "Woe to those who substitute right-side up for upside-down."

We can be so far off in our own thinking that our conclusions about good and evil are the exact opposite of truth. But we have right-side up at our fingertips, so that's no excuse. God's Word lets us know the difference. We can go ahead and power through with the support of the whole world, redefining morality as we see fit; but God's perspective is the only one that matters. Culture will never define truth. Circumstances will never define truth. Feelings will never define truth. People will never define truth. God alone defines truth, and He owes us no explanation about that. Francis Chan put it this way: "Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" Can you worship a God who doesn't determine what is true and right by popular vote? Can you worship a God whose perspective doesn't change with your feelings or time or circumstance? It's the only way to stay right-side up.
 

iParent: A Crash Course in Social Media, Part 2

If you missed Part 1 and the social media quiz, click here.

This past fall, I surveyed high school students in preparation for a course for parents on social media that I was teaching. In the survey, I asked, “What is one thing your parents don’t know about your use of social media?” Here are some of the responses I received:

(those that appeared multiple times are noted)

They don’t know about my Twitter account. +

They don’t know I’m on Instagram. +

They don’t know who I’m following.

I have quite a few accounts.

I talk to guys.

I’m on there a lot more than they think. +

I block them.

I cuss on Twitter.

How many girls I talk to.

I’m not doing homework when I’m supposed to be. +

I talk to people I’ve never met. +

I’m on when I should be sleeping. +

I take a lot of pictures.

The videos I watch on YouTube.

The people I creep on.

I'm not an alarmist, by any stretch. Both my kids have phones; my oldest has access to the Internet on his phone. They both have access to the Internet at our house. They are active on several social media sites. We have and use all the stuff, but I also understand that social media and cell phones bring certain temptations and dangers to our kids that we never faced. That means that we have a responsibility to figure it out with them, and help them deal with those temptations and dangers.

Check out these quotes I ran across from teenagers regarding social media: 

"There's more 'life' happening online than offline. If you are not online, you are completely out of the loop--you don't have a life, you don't really exist." --Hannah, 13 years old

"I'm online even during class. I'm supposed to be taking notes but instead I'm commenting on stuff and uploading pictures." --Emma, 14 years old

"I feel safer online than I do offline. So I do things online that I wouldn't do in real life." --Sadie, 14 years old

"I've become very good at taking pictures of myself. I know what angle is best, I know how to part my lips...you know. It's like the number one thing on my mind is 'I need to get home right now and take a new profile picture.' All because I want someone to comment on how I look." --Katie, 15 years old

"Social networking affects all the things you do in real life now. Like, if you go to a party, one of the most important aspects of going to the party is to document yourself for online posts. You have to prove you were looking good, you were having fun, and that you were actually there! It's not about the party anymore but about the pictures of the party."--Caroline, 14 years old

"I feel sad, depressed, jealous, or whatever when I don't get a lot of "Likes" on my photo or when someone else gets way more Likes than me. Honestly, I'm not sure that parents realize how drastically it affects our self-image and confidence. If I see a picture of a really pretty girl, it's like 'Goodbye self-esteem.' It forces me to compete and do stuff that I don't want to do, so my confidence will get a boost."--Samantha, 14 years old

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control. I want my parents to tell me to get off the computer. Actually, they would need to literally take the computer away because I can't stop myself."--Nina, 15 years old

"My friendships are really affected by social networking. You have to constantly validate your friends online. And everyone's like 'Where were you?' 'What have you been doing?' 'Why haven't you commented on my picture yet?' So you have to be online all the time, just to keep track, so you don't upset anyone." --Jasmine, 13 years old

"There is so much pressure to look happy all the time-you can never just be yourself-- because everybody is always taking pictures and posting them."--Nikki, 13 years old

"I really want my mom to be proud of me. Obviously, I want her to think I'm writing my essay or doing things I should be doing instead of being on Facebook. But I also want to be online. So I lie or accuse her of not trusting me. It's awful, but I've become really comfortable with lying." --Maya, 14 years old 

Clay Shirky, who teaches about social media at New York University said, “Digital media is an amplifier. It tends to make extroverts more extroverted and introverts more introverted. So we need to consider 'How is this going to interact with my child’s personality?’”  What we can see, then, is that social media makes insecure people more insecure. It makes confident people prideful; fearful people terrified; mean people merciless opportunists; judgmental people more critical, and the list goes on.

So what does that mean for you as a parent? We need to set limits for our kids (because they will not set them for themselves), and we need to be talking to them regularly about social media and texting. These discussions need to be ongoing and become more complex as kids get older; not less frequent and less involved. And we need to listen just as much, if not more, than we talk. Ask nonjudgmental questions in order to learn and assess. Questions like, "Hey, what's the difference between Snapchat and Instagram? Which one do you like better? Why? What is your favorite app? Do you think texting and social media make your friendships better or worse?" If kids think they are going to be slammed by their parents on a topic, they will shut down. Be careful in how you approach the subject.

I'm not saying parents need to know everything; we need boundaries, too. But most of us need to know more than we do. If we give kids cell phones and Internet access without ever holding them accountable for how they use them, we’re setting them up for failure.

Next Thursday: Part 3 - Sexting

This weekend doesn't have to be the end of everything related to football

This football season has been so much fun. Texas A&M (class of '91 right here, y'all) had an awesome season, the Houston Texans did pretty great, too, for awhile, and even our local high school team ended most Friday nights with a win. Maybe that's why I'm sad the Super Bowl is this weekend. I mean, sure, this Sunday means parties, funny commercials, and a much needed brush up in Roman numerology, but it also means the end of football for 7 whole months.

Not only that, but this particular Super Bowl has made me realize that some of my life goals are out of reach. I'm 43 years old. I think that if I was going to be asked to headline the Super Bowl halftime show, it probably would have happened by now. Some dreams just don't come true (unless your name is Beyonce'). I do have others, though. There are some things about football that I dream can one day be a more regular part of daily life: 

The foam finger. Once you've worn a foam finger, you begin to realize how feeble-looking your own pointer really is. Sometimes, try as you might, you just can't get your waitress's attention with a normal finger. I bet she'd bring another basket of chips if you started waving one of those giant purple foamy fingers around, though. Also, "Check, please."

Noisemakers. You know, for celebratory purposes. But not the cow bell - those should be banned. My friend carries a mini vuvuzela with her to football games. I admit, more than once I have wanted to grab it out of her hands and snap it in half over my knee, but deep down inside I'm jealous, and I long to blow it myself. There are plenty of non-sporty times in life when I think it's appropriate. Like just the other day when I actually picked the right checkout line at Walmart. No one in front of me had to run to the back to automotive for a fuse so their cigarette lighter would work, the cashier didn't stop to go on break, and the scanner didn't have one bit of trouble scanning. If' I'd had a horn, I would've blown it. 

Football themed party foods. It just makes everything so much more festive. That's why I think that every lunch should include party foods. Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't love to see a crockpot of lil smokies in the break room tomorrow around noon. There are drawbacks, though. Like when you thought your touchdown taco dip was the hit of the party, til someone walked in with this bad boy. --------------------> Thanks Pinterest. Also, those buffalo chicken cupcakes your boss's wife brought were horrific. 

The red challenge flag. Wouldn't it be great if we could institute a red challenge flag system in real life? You'd tuck one of those babies in your sock and head out the door to work, church, or school with newfound joy and confidence. And just think of the possibilities in courtrooms, presidential debates, and used car lots. Those little guys really fly, too; seems like about 20 yards on the football field sometimes. Of course, there would have to be a rule that everyone only gets one challenge flag for the whole year, otherwise we'd likely never get anything done. 

Mascots. Why should sports be the only ones who use them? Why not churches? As long as no one picked goats, that is. Come to think of it, I guess politics has them, too; but they don't maximize them very well. More people might tune into the presidential debates if they had a half-time show where some guy in an elephant suit did back-flips across the stage, and a donkey jumped off a mini-tramp into the crowd for a few minutes of body surfing. I also think the Libertarians should consider changing their mascot. It's just my opinion, but the penguin doesn't seem to instill much confidence, and is probably the very thing has been holding them back. 

Whistles. Referees use them to signal penalties and timeouts and such. Well, there are plenty of infractions happening around us every day that no one seems to call out. I'm just saying that maybe that guy at the mall might not wear his pants belted down below his rear end if people blew whistles more freely. Also, the waitress would get those chips out faster.

Stop looking for a loophole that you'll never find

For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing. 
Matt. 6:14,15 

I kinda think this was probably one of those times that Jesus was talking and lots of people got up to leave, saying that they had other things they needed to be doing right then - washing their hair, walking the dog, cleaning the baseboards...anything. Either that, or they stayed, waiting for a loophole that never came.

We love that God forgives us, but we have a hard time extending that same grace to other people. In Matt. 6:14-15, Jesus said that one cannot exist without the other. C.S. Lewis put it this way: “Forgiving and being forgiven are two names for the same thing. The important thing is that a discord has been resolved.” 

Does that mean that we earn salvation by forgiving people? Nope, but it does mean that grace received results in grace extended. Holding a sin over someone's head shows that we don't understand, appreciate, or fully accept God's grace in our own lives. Refusing to let someone off the hook shows that we don't trust Christ. Holding onto unforgiveness shows that we believe we are above God's commands.

It doesn't matter how it's packaged, either. Resentment is unforgiveness feeling sorry for itself. Rudeness is often unforgiveness trying to regain control. "I just don't care" is unforgiveness at a costume party, and God sees exactly who's underneath the mask before it even walks through the front door.

So what are some signs that you haven't forgiven someone?
You speak poorly of them. Eph. 4:29
You remind them of their mess up. Ps. 103:12
You want to get them back. Rom. 12:19; 1 Thess. 5:15
You feel satisfied when they face difficulty or things don't go well for them. Prov. 24:17; Luke 6:28
You don't care about them or if reconciliation ever takes place. Rom. 12:18

Believers have no excuse for unforgiveness. There is no excuse that God will deem acceptable. There's no loophole. In Matt. 18:21-35, Jesus said we should forgive people, "Seventy times seven," and told a story that lets us know in no uncertain terms that, ultimately, we don't have a choice about it. So let's get going with that today. There are people we need to forgive.

iParent: A Crash Course in Social Media, Part 1

For part 1 of a Thursday series on social media, I've made a quiz. Have fun! I should warn you that if you look up the answers and cheat, then something terrible will probably happen to you, just like the time you didn't forward that chain email letter to 10 people. Oh wait. Nothing happened then, did it. Okay, well, do whatever you want. Just don't tell me your score if you cheated, you cheater. If youre not on your phone, hit that start button and you should be good to go. If you're on your phone, you'll probably have to skip to the printed version down below.

If you were able to do the quiz, you can skip this next part and scroll on down to the bottom few paragraphs now. If you're trying to do this on your phone, I don't think it will let you. So here are the questions in a far less exciting format. You can find the answers at the very bottom of the page.
1. According to the privacy policies of Facebook, how old must you be to register an account? A. 10 B. 12 C. 13. D. 16
2. What's an avi?   A. someone who tries to get your personal information online   B. a picture used for your profile, short for "avatar"   C. a voice text app   D. the person whose job it is to monitor a social media site
3.  The majority of people talk to people online more than they do in real life. true/false
4. The most followed person on Twitter is 
A. Lady Gaga  B. Barack Obama  C. Joyce Meyer  D. Justin Bieber
5. Users on YouTube spend a total of _______ hours per month   
A. 2.9 billion B. 500 million C. 100 million D. 1 million
6. More than 5 million photos are uploaded on Instagram every 
A. day B. week C. month D. year
7. The fastest social media site to reach 100 million users was 
A. Twitter B. Facebook C. Instagram D. LinkedIn
8. Which of the following is not a popular social media site among teenagers? 
A. Formspring B. Tumblr C. Snapchat D. LinkedIn
9. A "selfie" is    A. another name for a profile picture    B. an emotionally-charged status or tweet   C. a picture taken of yourself, often in the bathroom mirror   D. When someone "likes" his or her own status post
10. Snapchat   A. is used to send pics that “self-destruct” in 10 seconds   B. users often take screenshots of photos before they disappear   C. is a popular app for sexting   D. all of the above for this app, now 4th in iTunes store.

Since we’re the first generation to have social media as a part of our lives, we're the guinea pigs. As parents, we don't have anyone who has gone before us to teach us how to help our kids use their phones and social media wisely. Nope, we're the ones that future parents will learn from. And so far, as a whole, we're not doing so hot.

Here's the deal: the fact is that social media is a huge part of our lives and will continue to be. We can pretend it will go away, but it won't. And kids are no worse than we were when we were growing up; it’s just that social media and cell phones means that their mess ups can potentially be put on display for the whole world to see. That means that some of the consequences for messing up are much greater. It also means, that since they're putting their emotions, photos, thoughts, and relationships out there on the world wide web, we parents have very little excuse to not know what’s going on.

It's time we wake up.

Next Thursday: Part 2 - Teenagers were asked, "What's one thing your parents don't know about your use of social media?" I'll share their answers.


quiz answers: 1. C 2. B 3. true 4. D (just recently passed Gaga) 5. A 6. A 7. C 8. D 9. C 10. D